The last few days I have been pretty lonesome for my Nanny. For those who don't know, Nanny was my father's mother, and she lived just a few hundred feet from our house as I grew up in Mabou Harbour. Christmas was her favourite time of year, she took great delight in watching the kids opening their gifts, and having family all around all the time. When I think back now, I don't know how she always managed to have so much food available for everyone who came through the door.
It was ten years ago today since Nanny passed away. The sadness comes every year, but I never know when that deep sadness will come, you know, the sadness that makes you wish you could call up a lost loved one just to hear them one more time. It came for me last night. I fell asleep wishing I could at least dream about her so that she could feel close for just a little while. Instead she sent her sign this morning, when I woke up to a bell on my phone, at the exact same time that I got the call ten years ago that Nanny had died.
When I was about 8, Nanny and I were walking down our lane, and we promised each other that whoever died first, they would let the other one know that they were okay. Years went by and we never talked about that promise. And then I got sick, and had to have a bone marrow transplant. I made it home for Christmas, and on New Year's Eve me and Nanny had a long, long chat. And she asked me if I remembered our promise from years ago. She told me she was too scared to ask me before that, because she didn't want me to think that I was going to die. We didn't talk about our promise again for years. It wasn't until she was dying with cancer that we once again talked about the fact that we needed reassurance. I knew life would never be the same again without my Nanny, and I honestly worried about how I would cope. She was always the one who could help me get my priorities straight, who made me realize that I was worrying about silly things, and the one who loved me no matter what...I could be silly, self-centred, or whatever, and she was my constant. She loved unconditionally, and I could not imagine life without her.
I had left the hospital through the night of the 30th-31st, and when the phone rang early that morning, I knew before I answered it that she was gone. As I hung up, I looked out the window and the yard was full of birds, and she was always watching the birds. I took that as my first sign. And while others may not believe in heaven, or signs, or whatever, the signs that I have gotten over the years have been my way of coping with the loss of a wonderful woman from my life. I know I watch for signs, and I believe she sends them.
So while I always take stock on New Year's, it is a day that is full of memories of my Nanny, and this year, the ten year mark seems a little more sad. It feels like it was yesterday, and it seems like it was a lifetime ago. I miss her stories, I miss how she kept me connected with all my cousins, I miss her voice, I miss her cookies and rolls, I miss her great conversations, and I miss just her presence. We could just sit and not say a word and be comfortable.
Nanny was an incredible woman, who loved her family more than anything. She really was something else, and every year as I sit down to think about her, I make a little resolution that I will once again to try to be as good a mother as she was, and hope that I will someday be a Nanny who will be loved as much as she was. If you have a grandparent, give them a hug for me today, and I want to send special hugs to my Dad, and all my aunts and uncles. We were all lucky to have had Nanny in our lives, and she loved you all so much.
Last night my Twitter feed blew up, with the rage over the Bill 10 filling up the page. There was an outpouring of how people felt this was so unjust, and wrong on so many levels. As a quick synopsis, the bill will mean that youth wanting to form Gay Straight Alliances at school, can form them, but the school will be allowed to say whether or not it is allowed. If the school does not allow it, students can appeal to the school board, and then if they also deny it, they can take it to the Court of the Queen's Bench.
While I do not support taking away the rights of youth to form any type of group, I kept waking up all through the night with so many thoughts going through my head that I had to share. Because if you force me to answer, I will say that Gay Straight Alliances are more for the parents than the youth, and I would be very interested in seeing how they would run. Because you know what makes me sad? That people think we need such "alliances". An alliance to me suggests a "us against them" line of thinking, and I think that is wrong. Let me explain my line of thinking.
When I went away to college, I made all kinds of friends. I felt like I had been thrust into some kind of bakery where suddenly I could find a pastry to suit my tastes instead of always just settling for bread because of no variety. I met people from different cultures, races, and countries, and I hungrily learned about the way they grew up and how we were all different. And there was one girl that I started meeting up along the route to class, and we had so much to chat about, we quickly became friends. I loved that she loved talking about books and music, and politics and she was just fun to be around. We ate together, we hung out after class and chatted about life. Now remember, I was from rural Cape Breton, and I had very limited interactions with people of colour, of different religions, and with gay people. In fact, I would say I knew gay people growing up, but I never knew they were gay, it just was not talked about at home, and when people moved away and finally "came out" it was still "the talk" for a while afterwards.
Christmas exams came and went, and we were getting ready to go home for the holidays, and this young girl asked me to go for supper downtown. I could tell that she was nervous, and I wondered aloud almost right away about what was wrong. Turns out she was gay, and I had no clue. And she was terrified of telling me because she was not sure how I would react. And I will never forget that moment, because I was so sad that she thought it would change how much I liked her. Twenty three years later, we still keep in touch. And it still makes me sad that people need to create alliances because of how they choose to live, what religion they are, or even if they are a woman or not. That's just me, it makes me sad. This video kept popping into my head last night that I saw a few years ago.
I want that for everyone. I don't care if you are gay, transgender, straight, bisexual, whatever.
But I was upset last night for another reason.
Last week it was reported that in the last 8 months, 18 children have died in the Child Welfare system of Alberta. Just stop for one minute and think about that....18 children. 18 children that are just like your children, just like your grandchildren, children that will not grow up and ever have the chance to have the lives that we all so often take for granted.
I am willing to bet you didn't hear that story. And this is what makes me angry and sad over and over again. Where is the outrage for those 18 children??? Why are we not flooding twitter and screaming about THEIR rights?? We have been fostering for 6 years now, and I will admit I have become a bit jaded with the system, as it doesn't work for the children, it does not have their best interests at heart, and it needs to be fixed in so many ways. So why keep doing it you ask? Because of those 18 children, and all the others who keep getting lost in the stupid government bureaucracy.
But it's not just the government at fault. People in general, just don't care about foster kids. It took me 6 years to say that, but it's true. If you have a dog found in a dumpster, more people will react to that story that they will to a story about a child in foster care who has died. It's like everyone puts blinders on to these kids, they are someone else's problem. And as foster parents, we are often silenced about the system because we don't want to cause trouble for workers, or the agencies we are with, but I think that is usually an initial reaction, and many of us find our voices and try to bring some changes for these children. Problem is that the government is not listening to us. And children will keep dying in care. We are lucky in Fort McMurray to have two wonderful agencies which supports their foster parents. I don't remember, and cannot find a story of a child dying in care up here. Maybe the government could start by looking at what is different up here?
And lastly, on the Bill 10 issue, I have been talking with a young woman a lot lately(not from Fort McMurray, but she does live in Alberta), about this bill. And last night we were messaging back and forth when she said a few things that really struck me. First of all she said that having these clubs would be nice for some at school, but in general, gay people don't go out trying to "form alliances or friendships with straight people specifically, so why do straight people feel the need to go make gay friends?" And she also made another point that people of her age(she is 16), don't care what "the suits in Edmonton decide". And that point really struck a nerve with me, because I started thinking about my own youth, and when politicians made decisions that I thought really sucked....generally, their decisions or their thoughts on matters really didn't change my life that much. And like this girl said, youth today are way more socially intelligent then I was at their age. They are like me in college, where they really don't stop and analyze if someone is gay or not. So maybe it's time for us adults to just back off some, and make sure that your kid is growing up feeling loved at home, and they know that they and their friends can gather at your house to discuss whatever in the heck they want.
My final admittance is that I have always been a parent who believes that it is not the school's duty to raise our kids. Yes, I want schools to be a place where all students feel safe and secure in expressing themselves, but I will forever think it takes a village to raise a child, and I feel that way too much responsibility can be put onto the schools just so that some parents don't have to actually parent. But that's a whole other post.
I guess the point of my rant is that while it sucks that some students might have to fight for a right to form a club, I would rather focus on the children who are being denied so many other rights. Alberta, can we can a little more upset about dying children then about the right for a club that many will probably not even join in the first place?
I have finally found some motivation. Yep, nothing like trying to get all dressed up and stand in front a few hundred people to get a person motivated. While I tried to enjoy the evening on Saturday, while getting ready I kept thinking that I hoped that those spanks were going to work their magic. And afterwards I kept thinking it's time to really start working towards some goals.
So this morning I did my first Jazzersize class at Oranj. And yes, at the end I felt like I had accomplished something, and I had finally started, and I didn't pass out, throw up or feel completely out of place. But I think Tim(hubby) may be right, and in certain situations, I think too much. And I am guessing that during hard fitness classes is one of those situations, because my brain was going off in different directions every other minute. So much for the yoga classes and learning to quiet the mind.
The one thought that kept going through my mind was, "If it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger." It seemed kind of funny to me at the time, since I actually sign up and pay to go to these classes. It's not like anyone is trying to kill me, but at moments, I thought the instructor might have a personal vendetta against us all and really was trying to kill us all, or at least make us pass out for a short period of time.
I learned from one of the other women in the change room afterwards that the instructor, Angel Jutzi is a dancer. I had kind of figured since she and several others had seemed so graceful and coordinated. Unlike myself. I realized today that one side of my body is more coordinated than the other, and none of it really wants to work with me once we got about 40 minutes into the hour long class. And let me tell ya, I kept wondering every three minutes or so, "HOW MUCH LONGER?"
My only motivation was that looking around the room I kept thinking that I wanted to some day squeeze into one of those t-strap shirts that the skinny girls wear, and I also want my butt to some day look half as good as Angel's. Yes, I can dream, leave me alone. I will at least settle for getting into one of those shirts without it turning into a wrestling match, where I am sweaty just from getting dressed.
But in all seriousness, I met some great ladies today who welcomed me to the class and told me their horror stories afterwards, so it was all good. I enjoyed it enough to come home and see when the next one was, and to pick out my class for tomorrow. Thanks to Angel and all the ladies, staff and patrons who are already helping me on this new challenge.
Oh, and it was still a good thing that Angel reminded me to breath again today, so that will be another goal in the coming classes, to try to remember to do that without someone having to tell me. And when she was smiling and encouraging us to do the same, I might have thought the following....for just a second.
When was the last time you agreed to do something and then as the day drew closer you thought, "What the hell was I thinking?" I am totally having that reaction this week. As I shared in the last blog post, I will be co-hosting the Festival of Trees Gala on Saturday night in Fort McMurray along with Kim Rizzi, and Phil Meagher will be joining us on stage to auction off the trees. At the Remembrance Day ceremony yesterday I casually said to Phil that he will be my go-to man if I get stuck, and he laughed. Little does he know that I will be looking to him to provide guidance through out the night.
So many of you have sent such nice messages, wishing me luck, saying how proud they are off me and how we are involved in our community, and lots of advice. Funnily enough, the biggest advice was to either have a drink, or imagine everyone naked. Not sure how well either of those will work for me, as both could make me giggle and blush or both at the same time. I really truly have some wonderful people in my life who believe in me, and are my biggest cheerleaders. Some are friends, and I am lucky enough to have met so many online who are always so happy for us. You will never know how much your kind words, support and your friendships mean to me. Of course, a special thanks always goes to Tim, who not only supports me, but listens to me second guess myself all the time. I saw this quote the other day, and thought of everyone who has been so happy to share in all my happiness over the last year, and of Tim. Thank you each and everyone of you, my goal is to not disappoint anyone on Saturday, including the hard working organizers who believe that I will represent the Northern Lights Health Foundation in a respectable manner. Your trust means so much to me, and I will keep repeating, "Don't screw this up" to myself all night.
Unfortunately, with being so busy with the gala, I will be missing out on another wonderful event in town on Saturday night. I grew up in Mabou Harbour, Cape Breton, and our closest neighbours that were not related were either the Beatons or the Cummings families. Shelley Cummings was and still is one of my oldest and dearest friends. We grew up across the field from one another, worked together, lived together, laughed and cried together and she really is one of the most genuine people you will ever meet. Her baby brother, Eddie, was quite a bit younger than us, so I did not get to know him as well over the years, but I have fallen in love with his talent. On Saturday night, Eddie will be taking the stage at Live Bar and Grill to entertain the crowd, and I am so sad that I will miss seeing him play. If you don't have tickets to the Gala, you really should go check it out. For those who may not know, Live is located under the Keg downtown, and the food is out of this world. You all know I love a good meal out, and I have never been disappointed by the food there, and the service is also always the best of the best. Andy and Tammy are my favourite servers there! I can assure you, the effort will be worth it if you go, and he's coming all the way from Cape Breton, so please make him feel welcome!
Next weekend is the weekend that everyone in Fort McMurray seems to love, it's the Festival of Trees! It's a great way to kick off the lead up to the holiday season, with events for everyone in the family. The Ladies' Luncheon and The Ugly Christmas Sweater Party are sold out, but the public can go to lots of other events, including the Santa Workshop and the Family Fun Skate. Of course, everyone loves to go down to look at all the beautifully decorated trees and all the beautiful decorations. You can see the full list of events for the entire weekend here: http://www.northernlightshealthfoundation.ca/docs/schedule_of_events.pdf
This year is the 25th anniversary of the event, and it literally continues to grow every year, with more groups and businesses from the community getting involved. The foundation does so much for our community, and it is always heart warming to see the outpouring from the community in support of their work during this weekend. The programs and services that the foundation provides are far reaching in our community, so the more they are supported, the more the residents of Fort McMurray benefit. I don't want to just mention a few, so you can read all about the great work they do using this link: http://www.northernlightshealthfoundation.ca/programsandservices.htm
This year I am pretty excited to reveal that I will be co-hosting the Gala evening along with Kim Rizzi, who is the General Manager of the 2015 Western Summer Games. And the community minded, Leaf loving, Phil Meagher will be entertaining us while doing the live auction. I am both honoured and terrified by the challenge, and can only hope that I do not disappoint the organizers. Usually if you find me at a gala I am in back cleaning up the plates. And therefore I have to mention, the whole weekend is a success because of the the generosity of the donors, but it runs on volunteers. There are literally more than a hundred people behind the scenes, so if you can't get a ticket, how about donating your time? There are literally jobs for everyone, so sign up the whole family! Here is the link to sign up, please share this blog and encourage your family and friends to get involved. When we moved to Fort McMurray, this was the first event that we got involved with, and we are happy to say that the tradition will continue this year! It's a wonderful way to meet wonderful community members while giving back to the health foundation. http://www.signupgenius.com/go/10c0e4fa5a62baaf94-festival1
So the last few weeks I have been saying I want to start looking after my body again. Yes, it's true, like many women, I make sure the kids have so much physical activity, I encourage my hubby to get to physio, and I just assume my body will do as I tell it. Alas, I haven't lost much weight, and I heard myself saying to Shayleen yesterday, "You can't just expect to learn all your words right away, we will keep practicing and it will happen." And for some reason that clicked with my own body issues. If I don't do something for it to help it be healthy again, it's never going to happen.
Shayleen will be six in February, and it has been that long since I have been inside a gym for myself. SIX YEARS, how the hell did that happen? I can remember when we were young and newly married and I so naively told myself I would never be one of those women that gained weight over the years. I was going to eat right and exercise and all that bullshit we tell ourselves when we are young and have no kids and think we have all the time in the world. What the hell did I do all day before we had kids? I don't even remember, but even back then, I didn't go to the gym, lol...back then I never had issues with my weight. Even after the boys were born, I didn't have weight issues. It was after I lost two babies that I first started noticing that I was keeping extra weight. And more honestly, in the last two years, since Tim's accident I have come to realize that I have some major guilt issues about the fact that I am able to be more active than he can be. So I haven't been. It was about a month ago that I finally admitted this to Tim, and of course, he told me not to be so crazy and that if I wanted to join a gym again, I should. So I started looking. I wanted to find a gym that would be a good fit for the challenges that I would face, where I would feel comfortable, and where I would stay committed to a plan. I was honest with myself while I went looking. I realized that I would not feel comfortable right away jumping back into the things I liked before, like weights and water aerobics. I am just dealing with too many issues to feel comfortable. I finally settled on Oranj here in Fort McMurray, which is just a year old this month, and it is more a studio setting, with dance, fitness, yoga and spin classes.
I had taken a few yoga classes last year and really enjoyed them, so I thought, that will be a good way to start, so this morning I went off to my first class. If someone had been taping it, in maybe a year's time I would laugh, but I thought I would share it all with you so that you could have a laugh, but you could also realize that we all have our insecurities when in settings that are a bit out of our regular routine.
The first thing I noticed when I entered the room was that I had no idea which one was the instructor, they all looked pretty fit, and like they knew what they were doing as most were already laying on their mats and doing some type of yoga pose. Crap, where should I sit? I took a breath and gave myself a pep talk. I picked a spot and rolled out my mat. Two minutes later the tiny little instructor informed me that I had my mat upside down, and wouldn't you know it, I picked the spot right beside the instructor up at the front of the class instead of blending into the back like I had hoped. Crap, crap, crap.
Overall the I enjoyed the class, but every time I caught myself and others in the mirror, I couldn't help but notice how much work I actually have to do. I am embarrassed that I have gained this much weight, but even more so, I realize that if I don't do something the weight could potentially affect my health. And many years ago, after being given a second chance at life, I swore I would never take my body for granted. Yet here I am, I have done everything I swore I wouldn't. But if I don't acknowledge it all, it will never get better. So here I am, laying it all out there, and starting again.
Yes, I was sweating at the end, yes, every time the instructor said to breath she was probably talking to me directly as each time I realized I was holding my breath. And yes, it will take some getting use to, and I forgot my water bottle already, lol. But I did it, I started, and I have so much more to share about what is going on in my life right now! It's an exciting time for me lately, and over the next few days I will tell you some more BIG secrets!
Over the summer, this purple 3 kept popping up around town, and it's picture appeared on social media every time it was in a different spot.
This is of my favourite pictures, since it has some wonderful people in it who do so much for our community. You can often see their smiling faces volunteering at a variety of events around town. So you can go to 3thingsforwoodbuffalo.com to find out more about this idea. But basically it is a challenge for people to go out and do three things for their community, or for the people living in it. I fell in love with the idea right away, and kept wondering how our family could do our three things and somehow challenge others.
Fort McMurray has been so good to us since we moved here, and in our times of trouble in the last few years, we felt supported and loved. I have been noticing with the challenge that some companies and radio stations have taken it on, and have done some fantastic things. But the thought kept popping in my head that not everyone can do "big things", and sometimes the best things in life are the little details. And something clicked. A few weeks ago everyone was challenging three people to share what they were grateful for, why not do three things, and pass on the challenge to three people? Then go to the website and tell everyone what you do, when you share, you inspire others.
We all do our regular everyday things, but why not step outside our boxes and do something different? This weekend our family is going to volunteer with the new build that the Habitat for Humanity is working on in Fort McMurray. If you want to sign up to help out, here is the sign up page.http://www.habitatwoodbuffalo.ca/
Also this weekend we will be volunteering for the Keyano Gala, and if you want to lend a hand at that, please email me, at mackdale@hotmail.com. And our third thing is that we signed up for the annual Syncrude Food Bank Drive. It's a great way to get the whole family involved as there are jobs for everyone! And here is the link to sign up! http://www.signupgenius.com/go/60b0c4dacac2ba75-20131
And lastly, I am going to send out my challenge to three families, and I would encourage everyone to do the same, even if you don't live in Fort McMurray, why not challenge the residents of your community? Positive deeds for others can only bring good feelings, so we all win. So my three challenges go out to the MacLeans(John, Kerin, Sam and Colin), more MacLeans...(John, Andrea, Brandon, Tyler and Alyssa), and lastly the MacLeods(John, Kim, Brooklyn and Morgan). And yes, we know a lot of Johns, lol. Let's get creative and have fun with this, and remember to share what you do, and pass the challenge on to three others, via Facebook to make it easy.
