The last few months I had mostly blogged about my experience of when I was sick. But just before Christmas I had done a few days of "gratitude", and I had such great feedback from those posts, and had people saying that they were stopping to say thank you to people in their lives, that I wanted to continue. So the last few days I sat down and worked on quite an extensive list of people, places and things that I love, that I cherish, and that have shaped me to somehow make me into the person that I am today. With Valentine's Day coming up in a month, I thought it would be a great time to share all this love. There will be some people that you may have never heard of before, but they made a difference in my life, and perhaps by hearing our stories of connection it will make you think of someone, and you will get in touch with them as a result. It will be a fun project for me, as I even had fun just doing the list.
I will start with the obvious, and I am sure he will come up a few times in the next month, and that is my husband, Tim, who I have now been with for almost 20 years, and married for 18 of those year. To say that we have had a "perfect" marriage would be a lie, as any of you who are married know, there are many things that happen in your lives together that will test your patience, your love and your commitment. We have been broke, out of work, we have lost babies, loved ones and friends, and we have had days where we have been on each others last nerve, and yes, I know I can drive him just as crazy as he drives me on my bad days. But we have also been married, had babies, made moves, had trips, and yes, lost loved ones....all together. We have a history together that I would not trade for all the money in the world. He knew my grandmothers, and I fell in love with his grandfather, when I start a story about something from years ago, he will sometimes pick up the story, and he laughs when I knowingly ask him if he remembers a certain story...because I know how terrible his memory is, and if he didn't have me around he would lose most of his past life.
We were just 22 when we got married, and I was totally, madly and completely in love with him. So many people thought we would never last-that as we grew older we would grow apart. But I think our love has changed since then, but it has not lessened, we are more complimentary of each other, as he often leads with his head, and I with my heart. He married me when I did not think I would ever have children, and he thought I was enough...that was a huge thing for me at that time, and even now when I think that he was willing to give up the opportunity to ever have a biological child to be with me, well, it staggers me. He has believed in me when I didn't believe in myself, and I have supported him when others thought I was insane for following him into new adventures.
There were times when I thought we were done, especially when we made the move across the country to Fort McMurray. I was not sure what I wanted at that time, and the new city and taking on things when I left all my friends, family and comfort zones was very hard. But we recommitted and pushed through because we thought it was the best thing for our family, and it turned out that it probably the best thing that we have done for our family in all our 18 years together. But in the last year or two we had grown complacent, I would not say we were taking each other for granted, but we were busy. Busy with kids, busy with work, busy with life, but not really standing still for each other. That all changed on July 18, 2012, when I received a call that not only reminded me that I loved Tim, but it terrified me to think of what my life would look like without him. I am still not quite ready to write all about that day yet, but Tim was hit by a drunk driver, and even today, over 180 days later, I get overwhelmed when I think of how differently that day could have ended. The Catholic girl in me had not said that many prayers in quite a few years, I bargained with God all day that I would be a better wife, if he would just let Tim be here with me. It was a great reminder for me that I am blessed to have him in my life, and I can only hope that we have another 20 years together.
All the posts will not be this long, or "sappy", and some will be very funny for the people they are about. Mom and Dad, you made the list, so sorry, but you will be written about eventually this month...but it's all good!
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
How did my first weigh in go?
So tonight was the first weigh in for me to see if I gained or lost since I made the decision to start looking after myself better. I am happy to report that was down 3.4 pounds. It was definitely easier this week having Tim(hubby) on board and eating what I was eating, and he even took it on as a challenge and found a few different recipes for us to try as well.
I just cut out the bad things that I was indulging in too much to start, like pasta, cheese, and absolutely not a sip of alcohol. I didn't struggle too badly, except for the night that friends invited us over for supper. She is a great cook, and I knew that drinks would be offered. I did good though, and just sipped a glass of wine for most of the evening, and supplemented with water. I think if I can stay on track 90% of the time, but if you take away my chocolate completely it would be very ugly.
The next step will be to try to coordinate adding in some more exercise to my routine. I have added in some walking but for now that was about it this week, I just have to make the time to start doing an exercise DVD into my day, or maybe I should take a trip down to the basement and try to start liking that hated elliptical machine that Tim bought for himself, but that sits there mocking me every day as I go by to do laundry.
I hope everyone who has joined me in this adventure had a good week as well, and I think I will start posting some of the healthy recipes that I find...or at least the tasty ones!
I just cut out the bad things that I was indulging in too much to start, like pasta, cheese, and absolutely not a sip of alcohol. I didn't struggle too badly, except for the night that friends invited us over for supper. She is a great cook, and I knew that drinks would be offered. I did good though, and just sipped a glass of wine for most of the evening, and supplemented with water. I think if I can stay on track 90% of the time, but if you take away my chocolate completely it would be very ugly.
The next step will be to try to coordinate adding in some more exercise to my routine. I have added in some walking but for now that was about it this week, I just have to make the time to start doing an exercise DVD into my day, or maybe I should take a trip down to the basement and try to start liking that hated elliptical machine that Tim bought for himself, but that sits there mocking me every day as I go by to do laundry.
I hope everyone who has joined me in this adventure had a good week as well, and I think I will start posting some of the healthy recipes that I find...or at least the tasty ones!
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Life after the transplant
I thought I would sit down and condense some of my story, of what happened after the life changing experience of having a bone marrow transplant. I still say that I would not wish the experience on anyone, but my life after the fact was more blessed. It was an experience that made me wish so much to stay alive that I think I felt everything more intensely afterwards.
Just a few months after I was finished treatment, I was sent to a fertility specialist, who confirmed my worse fears, I would never have children. The confirmation was devastating, and back then I was not offered any thing like freezing my eggs before the transplant. The unit was brand new in Halifax, and it just was not discussed.
I went back to St. F.X. in the fall of 1993, but it just was not the same. I struggled with wanting to be there, I felt like school was now a waste of time for me, I wanted to get on with "real life" and many who were the same age as me seemed so immature with their partying and lack of direction. Now of course, I wish I could have gone back to school and been as carefree as many others were, but things had changed. Many tried to convince me to stay, and I did until the end of the year, but I felt kind of lost, and did not know what to do with my life any more. It is one of my only regrets in life, I wish I had finished, I wish I had an "X" ring to put on my finger, it feels like something that just went unfinished.
But then I fell in love. Tim and I actually started dating when I was still bald and puffy from the steroids, so you know it must have been real love. We got engaged in 1994, and married at the young age of 22 in 1995. We were away on a trip to the United States late in 1996 when I began feeling rundown. I thought maybe the rigors of the trip were making me tired, as I was falling asleep every where, but Tim was worried that I was getting sick again and that my counts were down. As a lark one night in a hotel in Kansas City, Missouri, I did a pregnancy test, and it was positive. I sent Tim out to a local drugstore, and he landed back with two more, and two more positives. We sat perched on the end of the bed staring at the results, scared of getting excited, and really not knowing what to thing. The first thing the next morning we were off to a medical clinic on Blue Ridge Road(funny how some details stay with you), where they confirmed the test again, but said given my history, I better get myself checked out with my doctors. We left for Nova Scotia that very day. Every doctor seemed baffled, and warned us that we likely would not carry a healthy baby, and they seemed to be right as complication after complication seemed to pop up. But against all odds, I carried my baby for nine months, and then we were warned "it" would not be healthy, or that I would not be able to deliver. Again, we proved them all wrong. Thomas Mitchell Murphy was born on June 28, 1997, absolutely perfect and healthy. I remember on the 29th a doctor coming in and saying, "Well, I don't know how this happened, but it will never happen again." Two years later on June 30th, Nathanial Bernard Murphy joined the Murphy ranks, and was again, in a word, perfect.
I had everything I had ever dreamed of when I was sick. A husband who loved me, and children of my own who made me feel love that overwhelmed me on every level. But what else was in store for me in this journey of life? More things that I ever imagined, and I will continue to share our journey right here next time.
But before I go today, I would like to ask you to think about something, and that is to register to become a bone marrow transplant. There are many people right across the country right now who are searching for a match. You now know some of my story, and how blessed I was that my sister, Virginia was a match. I often will stop and think, " I wonder who is in the bone marrow unit in Halifax today, and I wonder how they are doing." Last night on Facebook I learned about another mom of two who is looking for a match right now, you might be the person who gives her family the gift of life. To register you can go to www.blood.ca and find out how to become a donor, and now it is as easy as receiving a kit in the mail and swabbing your cheek and sending the kit back in the mail. Not even a blood test like it use to be. And if you are a match? There will be some blood work and other tests to make sure you are a good match before they harvest your bone marrow. And the procedure now to do that is so non-invasive that you are in and out in a morning. But the gift of life that you give for that is something that I just cannot describe. At different times over the years I have tried to explain to Virginia how grateful I am for the life she has given me. Words continue to fail me there...how do you thank someone for giving you life? For allowing you to fall in love and feel joy? How do you describe to someone that without them that you would never had traveled, gave birth, and just had a chance to experience everything that is sweet? If you ever have the chance to donate, that person will feel the same eternal gratefulness. Pretty amazing, huh?
Just a few months after I was finished treatment, I was sent to a fertility specialist, who confirmed my worse fears, I would never have children. The confirmation was devastating, and back then I was not offered any thing like freezing my eggs before the transplant. The unit was brand new in Halifax, and it just was not discussed.
I went back to St. F.X. in the fall of 1993, but it just was not the same. I struggled with wanting to be there, I felt like school was now a waste of time for me, I wanted to get on with "real life" and many who were the same age as me seemed so immature with their partying and lack of direction. Now of course, I wish I could have gone back to school and been as carefree as many others were, but things had changed. Many tried to convince me to stay, and I did until the end of the year, but I felt kind of lost, and did not know what to do with my life any more. It is one of my only regrets in life, I wish I had finished, I wish I had an "X" ring to put on my finger, it feels like something that just went unfinished.
But then I fell in love. Tim and I actually started dating when I was still bald and puffy from the steroids, so you know it must have been real love. We got engaged in 1994, and married at the young age of 22 in 1995. We were away on a trip to the United States late in 1996 when I began feeling rundown. I thought maybe the rigors of the trip were making me tired, as I was falling asleep every where, but Tim was worried that I was getting sick again and that my counts were down. As a lark one night in a hotel in Kansas City, Missouri, I did a pregnancy test, and it was positive. I sent Tim out to a local drugstore, and he landed back with two more, and two more positives. We sat perched on the end of the bed staring at the results, scared of getting excited, and really not knowing what to thing. The first thing the next morning we were off to a medical clinic on Blue Ridge Road(funny how some details stay with you), where they confirmed the test again, but said given my history, I better get myself checked out with my doctors. We left for Nova Scotia that very day. Every doctor seemed baffled, and warned us that we likely would not carry a healthy baby, and they seemed to be right as complication after complication seemed to pop up. But against all odds, I carried my baby for nine months, and then we were warned "it" would not be healthy, or that I would not be able to deliver. Again, we proved them all wrong. Thomas Mitchell Murphy was born on June 28, 1997, absolutely perfect and healthy. I remember on the 29th a doctor coming in and saying, "Well, I don't know how this happened, but it will never happen again." Two years later on June 30th, Nathanial Bernard Murphy joined the Murphy ranks, and was again, in a word, perfect.
I had everything I had ever dreamed of when I was sick. A husband who loved me, and children of my own who made me feel love that overwhelmed me on every level. But what else was in store for me in this journey of life? More things that I ever imagined, and I will continue to share our journey right here next time.
But before I go today, I would like to ask you to think about something, and that is to register to become a bone marrow transplant. There are many people right across the country right now who are searching for a match. You now know some of my story, and how blessed I was that my sister, Virginia was a match. I often will stop and think, " I wonder who is in the bone marrow unit in Halifax today, and I wonder how they are doing." Last night on Facebook I learned about another mom of two who is looking for a match right now, you might be the person who gives her family the gift of life. To register you can go to www.blood.ca and find out how to become a donor, and now it is as easy as receiving a kit in the mail and swabbing your cheek and sending the kit back in the mail. Not even a blood test like it use to be. And if you are a match? There will be some blood work and other tests to make sure you are a good match before they harvest your bone marrow. And the procedure now to do that is so non-invasive that you are in and out in a morning. But the gift of life that you give for that is something that I just cannot describe. At different times over the years I have tried to explain to Virginia how grateful I am for the life she has given me. Words continue to fail me there...how do you thank someone for giving you life? For allowing you to fall in love and feel joy? How do you describe to someone that without them that you would never had traveled, gave birth, and just had a chance to experience everything that is sweet? If you ever have the chance to donate, that person will feel the same eternal gratefulness. Pretty amazing, huh?
Monday, January 7, 2013
Shocking!
Okay, so I said I would do this, but now that the time has come, it is WAY harder than I thought. In my last blog post, I told you that I would post my weight here tonight from when I went to Tops for the first time. Well, I arrived home about an hour ago, and it took me that long to sit down and have a cup of tea and build up my courage...I would have had a drink for the courage, but apparently there are a lot of calories in alcohol, lol.
So the number is....drumroll, please! Today, I looked at the number, and I knew that I was up there, but it was 204.4. There you go, there it is for all the world to see. The good news is that last year when I was back and forth to the doctor a lot before they found out what my problems were, I had hit 232 at one point, so I am down since last year, but tonight it feels like I have so very far to go before I am at a healthy weight again.
But today I start, and next Monday night, I hope to give you a smaller number.
And for all of you who have sent me an email and are ready to start your journey with me, I guess the best forum is going to be a Facebook page where we can all check in with each other, provide support, motivation and a shoulder to cry on when we need it. I hope to have time to sit down tomorrow and get that done, and I will send it to everyone who said they wanted to do this together.
I will also admit that I am a bit down tonight, as I really can't believe that my number is so high, I weighed about 30 pounds less than this on the day Mitchell, my oldest was born, and that was before I gave birth. Ugh...okay, I can do this, right? I need to do this!
So the number is....drumroll, please! Today, I looked at the number, and I knew that I was up there, but it was 204.4. There you go, there it is for all the world to see. The good news is that last year when I was back and forth to the doctor a lot before they found out what my problems were, I had hit 232 at one point, so I am down since last year, but tonight it feels like I have so very far to go before I am at a healthy weight again.
But today I start, and next Monday night, I hope to give you a smaller number.
And for all of you who have sent me an email and are ready to start your journey with me, I guess the best forum is going to be a Facebook page where we can all check in with each other, provide support, motivation and a shoulder to cry on when we need it. I hope to have time to sit down tomorrow and get that done, and I will send it to everyone who said they wanted to do this together.
I will also admit that I am a bit down tonight, as I really can't believe that my number is so high, I weighed about 30 pounds less than this on the day Mitchell, my oldest was born, and that was before I gave birth. Ugh...okay, I can do this, right? I need to do this!
Sunday, January 6, 2013
A New Year and Old Habits
When I got married I weighed 126 pounds, and I can seriously remember thinking that I felt overweight and "chunky" in my dress. Seriously, what was I thinking? I never struggled with my weight, even after having my two boys I quickly lost the weight and was wearing my pre-pregnancy jeans in a few short weeks. But then in 2000 I got pregnant, and lost the baby just after announcing it to everyone, and I was emotionally destroyed. People said to me how I was lucky I had two great kids already, and that I wasn't suppose to have any....which was all true, but it did not mean that I felt any less pain about the baby that I had lost. I spiraled and hid from many how much pain I was feeling, but Tim had to listen to me cry almost every night, and God love him, he comforted me over and over. Slowly, I started coming around, and by October of that year, we were pregnant again. This time I was so excited, and pictured a little girl from the instant I knew that I was pregnant. But when I started having complications, things went very badly, very fast. I lost complete control of my body, and I once again, I lost my baby. But it was different the second time, I was suffering physically so much that I did not mourn as much...I was in an almost panic that I needed to get better for my boys. There would be no more babies, no more trying. And that is when I started gaining weight. I am not sure if something physically happened to my body, or if I really just started comforting myself with food, but slowly the weight started going up.
It is funny that in the first line, I had no trouble telling you my skinny weight, but when I tell you that at my highest I hit 230, I cringe. I can't believe that I had let things go so out of control with my body, and my health. But in 2012 many things changed for me, and my family. I had a few very bad health scares, and of course, Tim was in a very bad car accident and has been off work for six months. But I have to believe that God was sending us some lessons, and if we didn't pay attention, he would keep giving us some hard lessons. So what I have taken away from 2012 is that I have not been paying attention to the things I should have been. The kids have always been our first priority, and that will probably not change too much, but in being so busy with them, Tim and I sometimes forgot that we should have fun together, alone, and apart, and that if we don't make the time for those things, they won't happen. And I remembered this year that if I do not look after my body, it simply will not work the way it should. Raise your hand if you feel like you lack the energy to get through some days, or if you just feel like you are slogging through your days. Yep, some mornings I was getting up and thinking, "If I can just get a few things done today...".
For the last few years, I have hated when we go on vacation because it is the time that Tim always wants to take pictures, and I hate getting my picture taken. With braces on now, I have a new excuse on why not to take my picture, but for the last five years or so, it has been a fact that I do not want to get my picture taken, as I simply feel so overweight that I do not want others looking at me. Which is silly, as I know people are looking at me every day, but I guess it is different for me when it is documented, and I have to look at myself.
I dread going out, as I have put of buying new clothes, because if I just lose a few pounds I will fit back into other pants. Well, 2013 is going to be different. It is the year that I take back control, that I feel healthy again, and yes, in the process, I will lose weight. It is the year that I will change old, bad habits, and create a healthier lifestyle, and not just for myself, but for the whole family. When I had the two boys, it honestly did not cross my mind as much, but now that I have a little girl, I want to show her how to eat healthy, and to have a healthy body image. We are all far too critical of ourselves, and while I know I will never see 126 again, I know that where I sit right now, that it is not good for my health. Tomorrow night I will be joining Tops(which stands for taking off pounds sensibly), and when I get my first official weight, I will post it in a blog, and if you feel like joining me I would love to have the support. I will try to keep posting more frequently this year as well! Let the journey begin.
It is funny that in the first line, I had no trouble telling you my skinny weight, but when I tell you that at my highest I hit 230, I cringe. I can't believe that I had let things go so out of control with my body, and my health. But in 2012 many things changed for me, and my family. I had a few very bad health scares, and of course, Tim was in a very bad car accident and has been off work for six months. But I have to believe that God was sending us some lessons, and if we didn't pay attention, he would keep giving us some hard lessons. So what I have taken away from 2012 is that I have not been paying attention to the things I should have been. The kids have always been our first priority, and that will probably not change too much, but in being so busy with them, Tim and I sometimes forgot that we should have fun together, alone, and apart, and that if we don't make the time for those things, they won't happen. And I remembered this year that if I do not look after my body, it simply will not work the way it should. Raise your hand if you feel like you lack the energy to get through some days, or if you just feel like you are slogging through your days. Yep, some mornings I was getting up and thinking, "If I can just get a few things done today...".
For the last few years, I have hated when we go on vacation because it is the time that Tim always wants to take pictures, and I hate getting my picture taken. With braces on now, I have a new excuse on why not to take my picture, but for the last five years or so, it has been a fact that I do not want to get my picture taken, as I simply feel so overweight that I do not want others looking at me. Which is silly, as I know people are looking at me every day, but I guess it is different for me when it is documented, and I have to look at myself.
I dread going out, as I have put of buying new clothes, because if I just lose a few pounds I will fit back into other pants. Well, 2013 is going to be different. It is the year that I take back control, that I feel healthy again, and yes, in the process, I will lose weight. It is the year that I will change old, bad habits, and create a healthier lifestyle, and not just for myself, but for the whole family. When I had the two boys, it honestly did not cross my mind as much, but now that I have a little girl, I want to show her how to eat healthy, and to have a healthy body image. We are all far too critical of ourselves, and while I know I will never see 126 again, I know that where I sit right now, that it is not good for my health. Tomorrow night I will be joining Tops(which stands for taking off pounds sensibly), and when I get my first official weight, I will post it in a blog, and if you feel like joining me I would love to have the support. I will try to keep posting more frequently this year as well! Let the journey begin.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Everyone should have a Nanny.
I woke up this morning at the same time I do every December 31st for the last 8 years, the time when I got the call that my dear Nanny had passed away. I got up, and she has been on my mind all morning, so I am sitting to write about my Nanny, and how much I still miss her.
On Christmas Eve this year I went to my trunk to dig out an old picture of me with Santa from 20 years ago. While I browsed later through old photo albums, a tiny slip of paper fell to the floor, and as I unfolded it, I realized it was Nanny's writing. It was a note she had done in haste 20 years ago when a relative was on their way to Halifax, and she wanted to send me a note to say she was thinking about me, and to remind me of how much she loved me. I honestly can say I do not remember one time in my whole entire life when I ever doubted that she loved me, entirely, completely and without hesitation. What an amazing gift to give someone, and after she passed away I often thought of how she loved her family...we were all very blessed.
If I close my eyes and try to go back in time, the very first memory I can recall of Nanny was of us praying together. When I would go to her house to spend a night she would have the same routine most nights. She would make me a bedtime snack, set up the kerosene heater, do her journal, read me something and then the light would go out and prayers would be said. Her faith over the years was another lesson that she gave us all, and no matter what challenge she was given it was her faith and wonderful spirit that carried us all through. Nanny's house was a wonderful house to visit, she always had grandchildren coming and going(especially in the summer), her extended family would come from Halifax and many friends and neighbours were always popping in for tea and rolls. She had this natural ability to make everyone feel at home, and like you were the center of attention when you sat in front of her rocking chair.
At a very early age I developed a fear of dying. My mother had siblings who died when they were very young, and many said that I looked like her brother Paddy, who died at 15. I was convinced I would not live longer than 15 as well. It was an unfounded fear, and many around me did not like to talk about death. But Nanny would. I can remember being as young as five when Nanny and I first made our promise to each other. We came up with the pact that would last us through our whole lives....we promised each other that whoever died first would give the other one a sign that the other one could never doubt or wonder about...it had to be clear that we had made it to heaven, and it was wonderful. One of my greatest fears through my teenage years was that Nanny would pass away, and I would not know how to go on with life. She was my Nanny, but she was often my best friend, and she always could pull me back on track and set my priorities straight when I needed it.
I went away to college and then became sick and had to have the bone marrow transplant. Afterward, Nanny told me she was terrified that I was going to die and that she could not stand the thought if I went first. Our visits continued when I would come home for weekends, and our phone calls were some of the things that I looked forward to when I moved to Sydney after falling in love and marrying Tim. The week that we were married, Nanny had open heart surgery on Monday morning. On Saturday morning, with all the chaos that was going on at my parents house(imagine bridesmaids getting ready, flowers being distributed and clothes still being ironed), I set off with a pizza burger and a cooler to see what Nanny was doing. I found her in bed, with the window open and the breeze blowing into her darkened room, as she had the blind down. It is one of the best moments I ever had with Nanny. I sat on the floor eating my pizza burger, and telling Nanny about all the business that was going on, as I was getting married in about three hours. We talked about life, love and what she hoped my marriage would be like. She told me how Tim reminded her of John Angus, how they both made her laugh. John Angus was my grandfather, and one man that I had wished all my life that I had met. I then crawled in beside Nanny to lay on her bed for a few minutes, and she wrapped her arms around me and told me to have a wonderful day, she just didn't think she could go, as she was still recovering. I was okay with that, as long as she was with us, I was okay. So off I went to get dressed with a new confidence that Tim was the one, and we were going to be wonderful together.
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We all were busy with the photographer, and last minute details, and I made it to the deck to get in the car to go to the church, when I realized that Nanny was standing in the yard. All dressed, and ready to go to the church! We snapped two quick photos on Mom and Dad's lawn, and we were off. Not only did she make it to the church, but she stayed for the dinner, and saw me dance my first dance with my husband. It was a perfect day in many ways.
Two years later I called Nanny early on June 28, 1997 to wish her a Happy Birthday, and to tell her that I was going to have my baby boy that day. It was her birthday, and her reaction was, "What! Are you in labour?" No I said, I just know I will have a boy today. She went into panic mode, and said, "Well if you go into labour, don't call me until it is over." I called my parents around supper time to say we were going to the hospital, and that it looked like they would be grandparents that day. I forgot to tell them not to say anything to Nanny, lol. I had just gotten into the delivery room when the nurse put the call through, and it was Nanny saying she was sorry she had said that, she was just so worried, she would rather just hear about it when it was done. I think she called three more times, lol, and at one point said to hurry up and have it on her birthday. She often said Thomas Mitchell Murphy was one of the best birthday gifts she ever received.
Over the years Nanny taught me so much about life, forgiveness, and love. Oh my god, she loved her children. Even when they were all married, she talked about them all with such love, and then she did the same with her grandchildren and her great grandchildren. We all could do no wrong in her eyes. She held us all together. She was the one who told us all about which granddaughter was pregnant, which grandson had a new job, which son had bought a new truck, or which daughter-in-law had won at bingo. She was the family center, and through her we were all connected.
And so it was fitting eight years ago when Nanny was fighting cancer, that every single one of us gathered around her. Every grandchild came home from across Canada, her siblings came, and her children never left her side. We all wanted to be there, to share her last days with her and each other. Nanny had always said she did not want to die at Christmas time, she thought it would make her family sad. We never realized until we were all sitting there on Christmas Eve that her own father had died at Christmas, and she carried that with her without sharing it all those years. The priest came on Christmas eve, and in true Nanny fashion, I got a call the next morning, Christmas Day that Nanny was waiting for us. When we arrived, she sat up in bed and got us to put Mitchell and Nathanial up on either side of her. She told them how much she loved them, and how special they were, and then when Tim took them out she cried and said how she would miss seeing them opening their presents.
The rest of the story tells you what an amazing woman Nanny was, and how much I miss her. On the 27th I was standing in front of the window in Nanny's hospital room when she opened her eyes. She wanted to know what time it was, and I said it was just after 1a.m. She noticed how it was snowing out the window, and she wanted me to leave to go home to my boys. I told her I would leave when she fell asleep, and she said she would not sleep until I got home okay, so I left. She got my aunt to call my house later to see if I got home. We all wanted to be there as much as we could, and it was the very last time that we were all together for Christmas and New Year's. But I had another fear, I was scared of Nanny actually dying. I was scared she would be in pain, I was scared I would break down, and I was scared of never hearing her voice again. Again, Nanny was looking after me. On the night of the 30th I stayed late, and then decided that I should go home as we were going to take the boys to see their grandparents in Sydney the next day. At around 6:30a.m., I heard the phone ring, and I told Tim that it was the call. He said no, it was okay, but it was me who jumped up to answer the phone. And do you know, I don't remember who was on the other end of the phone? Not for the life of me, I can't remember. But where the phone was in our kitchen, there was a huge window out to the backyard, and I turned, and put down the phone. On every tree in the yard, and lining the step there were hundreds of birds. Nanny had always liked watching the birds and had several feeders in her yard. On that December morning there were partridge, blue jays, chickadees, grosbeaks, and robins! I let out a yell, and Tim came running, we stood looking for a minute, and then the birds starting flying away. Nanny had given me my sign, and I have never doubted it, just like I had never doubted her love.
I hope to someday be a Nanny, and I can only hope that I will be half as good at it as my Nanny was, because even that would be pretty impressive. And I hope that this story reminds you of a Nanny in your life, and you call them today to say I love you. I would give a lot to be able to call Nanny today, but I guess since I have been thinking of her all morning she already is with me.
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On Christmas Eve this year I went to my trunk to dig out an old picture of me with Santa from 20 years ago. While I browsed later through old photo albums, a tiny slip of paper fell to the floor, and as I unfolded it, I realized it was Nanny's writing. It was a note she had done in haste 20 years ago when a relative was on their way to Halifax, and she wanted to send me a note to say she was thinking about me, and to remind me of how much she loved me. I honestly can say I do not remember one time in my whole entire life when I ever doubted that she loved me, entirely, completely and without hesitation. What an amazing gift to give someone, and after she passed away I often thought of how she loved her family...we were all very blessed.
If I close my eyes and try to go back in time, the very first memory I can recall of Nanny was of us praying together. When I would go to her house to spend a night she would have the same routine most nights. She would make me a bedtime snack, set up the kerosene heater, do her journal, read me something and then the light would go out and prayers would be said. Her faith over the years was another lesson that she gave us all, and no matter what challenge she was given it was her faith and wonderful spirit that carried us all through. Nanny's house was a wonderful house to visit, she always had grandchildren coming and going(especially in the summer), her extended family would come from Halifax and many friends and neighbours were always popping in for tea and rolls. She had this natural ability to make everyone feel at home, and like you were the center of attention when you sat in front of her rocking chair.
At a very early age I developed a fear of dying. My mother had siblings who died when they were very young, and many said that I looked like her brother Paddy, who died at 15. I was convinced I would not live longer than 15 as well. It was an unfounded fear, and many around me did not like to talk about death. But Nanny would. I can remember being as young as five when Nanny and I first made our promise to each other. We came up with the pact that would last us through our whole lives....we promised each other that whoever died first would give the other one a sign that the other one could never doubt or wonder about...it had to be clear that we had made it to heaven, and it was wonderful. One of my greatest fears through my teenage years was that Nanny would pass away, and I would not know how to go on with life. She was my Nanny, but she was often my best friend, and she always could pull me back on track and set my priorities straight when I needed it.
I went away to college and then became sick and had to have the bone marrow transplant. Afterward, Nanny told me she was terrified that I was going to die and that she could not stand the thought if I went first. Our visits continued when I would come home for weekends, and our phone calls were some of the things that I looked forward to when I moved to Sydney after falling in love and marrying Tim. The week that we were married, Nanny had open heart surgery on Monday morning. On Saturday morning, with all the chaos that was going on at my parents house(imagine bridesmaids getting ready, flowers being distributed and clothes still being ironed), I set off with a pizza burger and a cooler to see what Nanny was doing. I found her in bed, with the window open and the breeze blowing into her darkened room, as she had the blind down. It is one of the best moments I ever had with Nanny. I sat on the floor eating my pizza burger, and telling Nanny about all the business that was going on, as I was getting married in about three hours. We talked about life, love and what she hoped my marriage would be like. She told me how Tim reminded her of John Angus, how they both made her laugh. John Angus was my grandfather, and one man that I had wished all my life that I had met. I then crawled in beside Nanny to lay on her bed for a few minutes, and she wrapped her arms around me and told me to have a wonderful day, she just didn't think she could go, as she was still recovering. I was okay with that, as long as she was with us, I was okay. So off I went to get dressed with a new confidence that Tim was the one, and we were going to be wonderful together.
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Two years later I called Nanny early on June 28, 1997 to wish her a Happy Birthday, and to tell her that I was going to have my baby boy that day. It was her birthday, and her reaction was, "What! Are you in labour?" No I said, I just know I will have a boy today. She went into panic mode, and said, "Well if you go into labour, don't call me until it is over." I called my parents around supper time to say we were going to the hospital, and that it looked like they would be grandparents that day. I forgot to tell them not to say anything to Nanny, lol. I had just gotten into the delivery room when the nurse put the call through, and it was Nanny saying she was sorry she had said that, she was just so worried, she would rather just hear about it when it was done. I think she called three more times, lol, and at one point said to hurry up and have it on her birthday. She often said Thomas Mitchell Murphy was one of the best birthday gifts she ever received.
Over the years Nanny taught me so much about life, forgiveness, and love. Oh my god, she loved her children. Even when they were all married, she talked about them all with such love, and then she did the same with her grandchildren and her great grandchildren. We all could do no wrong in her eyes. She held us all together. She was the one who told us all about which granddaughter was pregnant, which grandson had a new job, which son had bought a new truck, or which daughter-in-law had won at bingo. She was the family center, and through her we were all connected.
And so it was fitting eight years ago when Nanny was fighting cancer, that every single one of us gathered around her. Every grandchild came home from across Canada, her siblings came, and her children never left her side. We all wanted to be there, to share her last days with her and each other. Nanny had always said she did not want to die at Christmas time, she thought it would make her family sad. We never realized until we were all sitting there on Christmas Eve that her own father had died at Christmas, and she carried that with her without sharing it all those years. The priest came on Christmas eve, and in true Nanny fashion, I got a call the next morning, Christmas Day that Nanny was waiting for us. When we arrived, she sat up in bed and got us to put Mitchell and Nathanial up on either side of her. She told them how much she loved them, and how special they were, and then when Tim took them out she cried and said how she would miss seeing them opening their presents.
The rest of the story tells you what an amazing woman Nanny was, and how much I miss her. On the 27th I was standing in front of the window in Nanny's hospital room when she opened her eyes. She wanted to know what time it was, and I said it was just after 1a.m. She noticed how it was snowing out the window, and she wanted me to leave to go home to my boys. I told her I would leave when she fell asleep, and she said she would not sleep until I got home okay, so I left. She got my aunt to call my house later to see if I got home. We all wanted to be there as much as we could, and it was the very last time that we were all together for Christmas and New Year's. But I had another fear, I was scared of Nanny actually dying. I was scared she would be in pain, I was scared I would break down, and I was scared of never hearing her voice again. Again, Nanny was looking after me. On the night of the 30th I stayed late, and then decided that I should go home as we were going to take the boys to see their grandparents in Sydney the next day. At around 6:30a.m., I heard the phone ring, and I told Tim that it was the call. He said no, it was okay, but it was me who jumped up to answer the phone. And do you know, I don't remember who was on the other end of the phone? Not for the life of me, I can't remember. But where the phone was in our kitchen, there was a huge window out to the backyard, and I turned, and put down the phone. On every tree in the yard, and lining the step there were hundreds of birds. Nanny had always liked watching the birds and had several feeders in her yard. On that December morning there were partridge, blue jays, chickadees, grosbeaks, and robins! I let out a yell, and Tim came running, we stood looking for a minute, and then the birds starting flying away. Nanny had given me my sign, and I have never doubted it, just like I had never doubted her love.
I hope to someday be a Nanny, and I can only hope that I will be half as good at it as my Nanny was, because even that would be pretty impressive. And I hope that this story reminds you of a Nanny in your life, and you call them today to say I love you. I would give a lot to be able to call Nanny today, but I guess since I have been thinking of her all morning she already is with me.
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Monday, December 24, 2012
Merry Christmas!
I have been waiting to tell my Christmas story from 20 years ago, and I just had to sit down today to finally share. I hope it will be inspiring to those who might be searching for what the season means, and if miracles, love and hope exist.
As Christmas approached, I was having a few complications in Halifax, and my doctor delivered the bad news that he did not think it was a good idea for me to go home and be so far away from the hospital during the holidays. To say that I was devastated would be an understatement. I had been home for Thanksgiving, and had just taken it for granted that I would be home in my own room for Christmas. Finally on December 20th, the doctor said I could go home, but would have to be back on for a few days on Boxing Day. The only way that I could go home though was to follow instructions, there would be no mass, no crowds, and avoid anyone who might be sick. You know how everyone takes pictures going across the Causeway, well I closed my eyes, rolled down the window and cried from there to Mabou. I was so happy to be home, to have another Christmas in Cape Breton, surrounded by friends and family.
Of course, when my friends heard I was coming home, an impromptu get together was held on the 22nd, and most of my friends from high school poured into my parents house. I remember before they arrived me going to my Nanny's for an emergency. It was not bad enough that I had no hair or eyebrows, but my dress pants that I had to wear would not fit, I had lost so much weight. Nanny quickly stitched them up for me to wear and told me to have fun. The evening was full of laughs and old stories, and the crowd rule was a little bit broken.
The next night was the annual Christmas tree lighting in Mabou Harbour. At the end of my lane at home is an old school house, and over the years it housed us on cold winter mornings while we waited for the bus, but at Christmas the Beatons would clean it up and open the door to the community. Debbie and A.J. Beaton started the tradition, and a huge tree would be decorated outside and lit up every year with lots of food, treats for the kids, singing, and a visit from Santa. For the Christmas of 1992 I would not be allowed to attend, there would simply be too many kids who might have colds or flus that might be contagious. My family went with me saying that I did mind at all, that I would feel worse if they stayed home and missed the event.
Our lane is quite long, and one hill in particular is steep, so sitting in my parents' living room I could see the school house all lit up, and the cars parking on the lane. After about a half hour the tree was lit and shone the little lights into the cold snowy night. And then there was a knock on the door, and in came Debbie, A.J. and their kids. They had brought me a present and a treat bag from the party. But after some quick hugs, they left to go back to the party. I went to the living room to watch them walk back down the lane, when another knock came on the door. It was Gil MacEachern, and his wife Mary, an elderly couple who were very near and dear to my heart. They were not usually in the Harbour at Christmas, but they had traveled from Antigonish for the evening. They too left fairly quickly, and when I went back to the window, I saw more people walking up the lane. And so the evening went, when everyone heard that I was home and unable to go to the school house, each family took their turn to walk up that hill to see me and give me their love and prayers. After about the third group I realized what was going on, and I called my Nanny who was home in the house below me, and she put tea on and had several visitors herself.
For many years, my neighbour, Brian MacPhee would don the Santa suit to play the part for the evening, but that night in '92, my former teacher, and another neighbour, Mr. Cummings, was Santa. Edmund Cummings, who had watched me grow up with his daughters, had pushed me out of his driveway a few times in the winters, and had me coming and going his house over the years as his daughter Shelly and I worked and played together, was the last to come to the house. By this time my swollen eyes were even more swollen from crying, and I really don't think I had ever felt so much love in my lifetime in one evening...so when he came in the door in his suit, I was laughing and crying all at the same time. My mom snapped a polaroid picture of us hugging, and it was the only picture that I let anyone take of me during that whole experience. If you look at it closely you can see my scarf on my head, my drawn in eyebrows, and discolored skin. But if you look at the picture, my face shows joy. It was something that I had wondered for a few months if I would ever feel again, and my friends, neighbours and family gave it back to me that night in Mabou Harbour 20 years ago.
As Christmas approached, I was having a few complications in Halifax, and my doctor delivered the bad news that he did not think it was a good idea for me to go home and be so far away from the hospital during the holidays. To say that I was devastated would be an understatement. I had been home for Thanksgiving, and had just taken it for granted that I would be home in my own room for Christmas. Finally on December 20th, the doctor said I could go home, but would have to be back on for a few days on Boxing Day. The only way that I could go home though was to follow instructions, there would be no mass, no crowds, and avoid anyone who might be sick. You know how everyone takes pictures going across the Causeway, well I closed my eyes, rolled down the window and cried from there to Mabou. I was so happy to be home, to have another Christmas in Cape Breton, surrounded by friends and family.
Of course, when my friends heard I was coming home, an impromptu get together was held on the 22nd, and most of my friends from high school poured into my parents house. I remember before they arrived me going to my Nanny's for an emergency. It was not bad enough that I had no hair or eyebrows, but my dress pants that I had to wear would not fit, I had lost so much weight. Nanny quickly stitched them up for me to wear and told me to have fun. The evening was full of laughs and old stories, and the crowd rule was a little bit broken.
The next night was the annual Christmas tree lighting in Mabou Harbour. At the end of my lane at home is an old school house, and over the years it housed us on cold winter mornings while we waited for the bus, but at Christmas the Beatons would clean it up and open the door to the community. Debbie and A.J. Beaton started the tradition, and a huge tree would be decorated outside and lit up every year with lots of food, treats for the kids, singing, and a visit from Santa. For the Christmas of 1992 I would not be allowed to attend, there would simply be too many kids who might have colds or flus that might be contagious. My family went with me saying that I did mind at all, that I would feel worse if they stayed home and missed the event.
Our lane is quite long, and one hill in particular is steep, so sitting in my parents' living room I could see the school house all lit up, and the cars parking on the lane. After about a half hour the tree was lit and shone the little lights into the cold snowy night. And then there was a knock on the door, and in came Debbie, A.J. and their kids. They had brought me a present and a treat bag from the party. But after some quick hugs, they left to go back to the party. I went to the living room to watch them walk back down the lane, when another knock came on the door. It was Gil MacEachern, and his wife Mary, an elderly couple who were very near and dear to my heart. They were not usually in the Harbour at Christmas, but they had traveled from Antigonish for the evening. They too left fairly quickly, and when I went back to the window, I saw more people walking up the lane. And so the evening went, when everyone heard that I was home and unable to go to the school house, each family took their turn to walk up that hill to see me and give me their love and prayers. After about the third group I realized what was going on, and I called my Nanny who was home in the house below me, and she put tea on and had several visitors herself.
For many years, my neighbour, Brian MacPhee would don the Santa suit to play the part for the evening, but that night in '92, my former teacher, and another neighbour, Mr. Cummings, was Santa. Edmund Cummings, who had watched me grow up with his daughters, had pushed me out of his driveway a few times in the winters, and had me coming and going his house over the years as his daughter Shelly and I worked and played together, was the last to come to the house. By this time my swollen eyes were even more swollen from crying, and I really don't think I had ever felt so much love in my lifetime in one evening...so when he came in the door in his suit, I was laughing and crying all at the same time. My mom snapped a polaroid picture of us hugging, and it was the only picture that I let anyone take of me during that whole experience. If you look at it closely you can see my scarf on my head, my drawn in eyebrows, and discolored skin. But if you look at the picture, my face shows joy. It was something that I had wondered for a few months if I would ever feel again, and my friends, neighbours and family gave it back to me that night in Mabou Harbour 20 years ago.
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