Monday, December 23, 2019

When did I start to hate Christmas?

Over the last few years I became someone I never thought was possible. I turned into someone who had come to hate Christmas. The pressure of buying just the perfect gift for everyone, the stress of how much said gifts cost, the baking, the shopping, the running around, I really dreaded the holidays. This year I could start to feel my anxiety creep up in early November. But this year instead of it allowing it, I started to analyze it. When and why had I started to hate it all? I wasn't always like this. I don't remember ever hating it through my younger years. And when the kids were small, I loved it. I loved decorating Christmas cookies, and the looks on their faces on Christmas morning when they discovered Santa had delivered their favourite gifts of the year.

I do remember the first year in Fort McMurray. I was so worried that we were not going to be doing what we had always done, and many of our family was back on the East Coast. I was so anxious about it all that I worked extra hard to make sure the kids enjoyed the Christmas break. I put a tremendous amount of stress on myself to have the perfectly wrapped gifts, a tonne of baking done and lots of friends over for skating, sledding and sleepovers.

This year I went all the way with my thoughts. I started thinking about the best Christmases I had over the years. And I made notes. And guess what? My thoughts did not include a "best present" or event. The best Christmases I had over the years were like the year I was able to go home from the hospital for a few days with my family and friends after having my bone marrow transplant. Or the year that we had an unexpected house full and I panicked because I didn't think I had enough food, and we ate cheese and crackers and had one of the best visits ever. And when I was younger, the best memories are of going to Midnight Mass with dad, and then visiting some neighbours, and him reading to me at the end of the nights while mom patiently waited so she could look after getting the gifts out for everyone. And of course, there was the Christmas of 15 years ago. That was the year my beloved Nanny was in the hospital dying of cancer. And even though we were all so sad we were losing her, she really got a last wish and had her entire family gathered and visited and she was able to watch our boys open their gifts that she had bought them in her hospital room on Christmas morning. She left us on New Year's Eve day morning. And I don't know how we all did it that year, but I do remember that it was just the way Nanny loved it...just everyone all together, with lots of food and love for everyone.

In the last few years my anxiety spilled over, especially to my immediate family. I would be snippy and cranky. Things would not be done properly, or good enough. The get togethers with friends were more sporadic. This year around December 5th I decided that I would not let it get the best of me this year. I try to be a good person and friend all year long, but would my friends really stop liking me if I didn't have the "ultimate" gift for them? And then a few more things happened.

Last Sunday Shayleen wrote her letter to Santa, and in it she said that the most important thing that she wanted this year was more time with mom. I have not mentioned this last year yet. But it truly has been one of the most stressful years I have ever had in my life. And for a few months I was in a very dark and depressing place. It truly was my friends who helped me through it all, along with Tim(I don't know why he continues to stick it out with me). I wasn't the mother, wife or friend that I really wanted to be for anyone. I felt like I continuously disappointed, week after week. I'm sure anyone who was not in my close inner circle did not realize, but I still feel that now that I am going into 2020 I have to make it up to those who stuck it out with me. So when I read that letter, it gutted me. The only thing that I wanted in life was a healthy, happy family. And now my daughter was just asking for time. Nothing else. And then my oldest, Mitchell,  came home last Sunday and we have been completely enjoying having him and our other son, Nathanial for suppers and evening visits. Eventually we had the conversation about what they really wanted for Christmas. And they both answered that they were so happy to be just be able to have my home cooking for the next two weeks. And just having them around is the best gift that I could ever receive. So now I'm just focused on giving my presence over giving presents.

The year that I was sick, I literally just wanted to be home with family and friends, and I don't remember one gift that I received that year. It's so easy to get lost in the "stuff" and the pressure to do it all, but this year I am going to give my family and friends the gift of not being distracted by work, and not being so anxious that I don't enjoy our get togethers. I'm not sure who will be here or not next year, so I am truly committed to just enjoy this Christmas with my family, parents, and friends as much as possible. I hope that you can all do the same. And keep reminding yourself that your real loved ones will love you no matter what is under the tree or on the table. And that the best gift you can give those same loved ones is your time, and undivided attention. Merry Christmas everyone! And only the best wishes of joy, love, and good health for 2020.