So the last few weeks I have been saying I want to start looking after my body again. Yes, it's true, like many women, I make sure the kids have so much physical activity, I encourage my hubby to get to physio, and I just assume my body will do as I tell it. Alas, I haven't lost much weight, and I heard myself saying to Shayleen yesterday, "You can't just expect to learn all your words right away, we will keep practicing and it will happen." And for some reason that clicked with my own body issues. If I don't do something for it to help it be healthy again, it's never going to happen.
Shayleen will be six in February, and it has been that long since I have been inside a gym for myself. SIX YEARS, how the hell did that happen? I can remember when we were young and newly married and I so naively told myself I would never be one of those women that gained weight over the years. I was going to eat right and exercise and all that bullshit we tell ourselves when we are young and have no kids and think we have all the time in the world. What the hell did I do all day before we had kids? I don't even remember, but even back then, I didn't go to the gym, lol...back then I never had issues with my weight. Even after the boys were born, I didn't have weight issues. It was after I lost two babies that I first started noticing that I was keeping extra weight. And more honestly, in the last two years, since Tim's accident I have come to realize that I have some major guilt issues about the fact that I am able to be more active than he can be. So I haven't been. It was about a month ago that I finally admitted this to Tim, and of course, he told me not to be so crazy and that if I wanted to join a gym again, I should. So I started looking. I wanted to find a gym that would be a good fit for the challenges that I would face, where I would feel comfortable, and where I would stay committed to a plan. I was honest with myself while I went looking. I realized that I would not feel comfortable right away jumping back into the things I liked before, like weights and water aerobics. I am just dealing with too many issues to feel comfortable. I finally settled on Oranj here in Fort McMurray, which is just a year old this month, and it is more a studio setting, with dance, fitness, yoga and spin classes.
I had taken a few yoga classes last year and really enjoyed them, so I thought, that will be a good way to start, so this morning I went off to my first class. If someone had been taping it, in maybe a year's time I would laugh, but I thought I would share it all with you so that you could have a laugh, but you could also realize that we all have our insecurities when in settings that are a bit out of our regular routine.
The first thing I noticed when I entered the room was that I had no idea which one was the instructor, they all looked pretty fit, and like they knew what they were doing as most were already laying on their mats and doing some type of yoga pose. Crap, where should I sit? I took a breath and gave myself a pep talk. I picked a spot and rolled out my mat. Two minutes later the tiny little instructor informed me that I had my mat upside down, and wouldn't you know it, I picked the spot right beside the instructor up at the front of the class instead of blending into the back like I had hoped. Crap, crap, crap.
Overall the I enjoyed the class, but every time I caught myself and others in the mirror, I couldn't help but notice how much work I actually have to do. I am embarrassed that I have gained this much weight, but even more so, I realize that if I don't do something the weight could potentially affect my health. And many years ago, after being given a second chance at life, I swore I would never take my body for granted. Yet here I am, I have done everything I swore I wouldn't. But if I don't acknowledge it all, it will never get better. So here I am, laying it all out there, and starting again.
Yes, I was sweating at the end, yes, every time the instructor said to breath she was probably talking to me directly as each time I realized I was holding my breath. And yes, it will take some getting use to, and I forgot my water bottle already, lol. But I did it, I started, and I have so much more to share about what is going on in my life right now! It's an exciting time for me lately, and over the next few days I will tell you some more BIG secrets!