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Sunday, January 6, 2013

A New Year and Old Habits

When I got married I weighed 126 pounds, and I can seriously remember thinking that I felt overweight and "chunky" in my dress.  Seriously, what was I thinking?  I never struggled with my weight, even after having my two boys I quickly lost the weight and was wearing my pre-pregnancy jeans in a few short weeks.  But then in 2000 I got pregnant, and lost the baby just after announcing it to everyone, and I was emotionally destroyed.  People said to me how I was lucky I had two great kids already, and that I wasn't suppose to have any....which was all true, but it did not mean that I felt any less pain about the baby that I had lost.  I spiraled and hid from many how much pain I was feeling, but Tim had to listen to me cry almost every night, and God love him, he comforted me over and over.  Slowly, I started coming around, and by October of that year, we were pregnant again.  This time I was so excited, and pictured a little girl from the instant I knew that I was pregnant.  But when I started having complications, things went very badly, very fast.  I lost complete control of my body, and I once again, I lost my baby.  But it was different the second time, I was suffering physically so much that I did not mourn as much...I was in an almost panic that I needed to get better for my boys.  There would be no more babies, no more trying.  And that is when I started gaining weight.  I am not sure if something physically happened to my body, or if I really just started comforting myself with food, but slowly the weight started going up. 

It is funny that in the first line, I had no trouble telling you my skinny weight, but when I tell you that at my highest I hit 230, I cringe.  I can't believe that I had let things go so out of control with my body, and my health.  But in 2012 many things changed for me, and my family.  I had a few very bad health scares, and of course, Tim was in a very bad car accident and has been off work for six months.  But I have to believe that God was sending us some lessons, and if we didn't pay attention, he would keep giving us some hard lessons.  So what I have taken away from 2012 is that I have not been paying attention to the things I should have been.  The kids have always been our first priority, and that will probably not change too much, but in being so busy with them, Tim and I sometimes forgot that we should have fun together, alone, and apart, and that if we don't make the time for those things, they won't happen.  And I remembered this year that if I do not look after my body, it simply will not work the way it should.  Raise your hand if you feel like you lack the energy to get through some days, or if you just feel like you are slogging through your days.  Yep, some mornings I was getting up and thinking, "If I can just get a few things done today...". 

For the last few years, I have hated when we go on vacation because it is the time that Tim always wants to take pictures, and I hate getting my picture taken.  With braces on now, I have a new excuse on why not to take my picture, but for the last five years or so, it has been a fact that I do not want to get my picture taken, as I simply feel so overweight that I do not want others looking at me.  Which is silly, as I know people are looking at me every day, but I guess it is different for me when it is documented, and I have to look at myself.
I dread going out, as I have put of buying new clothes, because if I just lose a few pounds I will fit back into other pants.  Well, 2013 is going to be different.  It is the year that I take back control, that I feel healthy again, and yes, in the process, I will lose weight.  It is the year that I will change old, bad habits, and create a healthier lifestyle, and not just for myself, but for the whole family.  When I had the two boys, it honestly did not cross my mind as much, but now that I have a little girl, I want to show her how to eat healthy, and to have a healthy body image.  We are all far too critical of ourselves, and while I know I will never see 126 again, I know that where I sit right now, that it is not good for my health.  Tomorrow night I will be joining Tops(which stands for taking off pounds sensibly), and when I get my first official weight, I will post it in a blog, and if you feel like joining me I would love to have the support.  I will try to keep posting more frequently this year as well!  Let the journey begin.

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